Me: Happily sharing I had passed a national certification test for my counseling degree.
Friends/Family: What does this mean for you?
Friend: (Before I could answer) – it just means now she can be sued as a counselor.
Me: Walks away praying no one sues me.
I hate conversations that go like this. I never know how to best respond.
After being in ministry for years as a pastor’s wife, I am pretty used to hearing some tender comments. Comments about the church, my weight, my clothes, and the kind of car I drive – so I feel I have mastered self-preservation tactics.
Usually I try to laugh it off or put my head down and walk away. Inevitably, I would spend the next few days swirling the conversation in my mind and thinking about a clever comeback that (I know) would never be spoken. It is easier to keep the peace than to deal with uncomfortable situations. In most situations, the idea of standing up for one’s self is nearly non-existent. Perhaps, the lack of response is rooted in not understanding my value.
So what is a healthy response?
How does someone respond in these types of situations and still maintain peaceful connections with others? You respond by building gentle boundaries. Gentle boundaries are boundaries put in place with love and kindness. It could be with someone you really love to be with, but every once in a while they seem to step over a line in how they speak with you. It takes real courage to speak out to a friend when you prefer not to rock the boat.
These are two simple steps that you can develop with people you want to connect with but also let them know when something has crossed a line.
“Real talk”
My counselor friend, Charity, likes to snap her fingers in the air and say “Real Talk” when things are about to go down. I love this. It is her way of signaling, we are being honest and transparent. What a great way to guide an uncomfortable conversation…you know, the ones where you have to address something that might be out of your comfort zone. This is vital to the health of a relationship and your mental health. If you can never have transparent conversations about how you feel, then this is just a superficial friendship. Real friendships allow you to expose your heart in safety.
“That’s not helpful”
As someone who over feels, I am very cautious of how I respond to others. “That’s not helpful,” can be a savvy response to unseemly comments. This approach doesn’t come across mean or rude, but it simply puts a pause to the direction of the conversation. Let me give you permission to use this comment because your feelings matter. You matter. Regardless of what you may have been told your whole life, what your culture says, or what you have been taught, you have the right to voice your opinion.
Changing your response tactics will not always come easy. You are going to have to “retrain” your response patterns, and this will take time. So let me help you fix your crown: you are an image bearer and the daughter of a King…period. You were designed and created with purpose, and that purpose deserves respect in all areas of life.
You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book. Every single moment you are thinking of me! How precious and wonderful to consider that you cherish me constantly in your every thought! O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore!When I awake each morning, you’re still with me.
Psalm 139:15-18
If God cherishes you in his every thought, you deserve to be cherished and respected by those with whom you share your life.
Love and peace,
This IS helpful! Thanks, Karen 🙂